“I’m hilarious! Comedy gold!” I think to myself as I scribble jokes by the glow of an owl shaped night light. It’s the third time I’ve been up with Joanie tonight and my mind shifts or more accurately stumbles from one topic to the next until it comes to rest on one thought, a thought I have convinced my self is a shining jewel of humour. That thought, that beautiful quip that will live on forever in my readers for millennia as the greatest joke ever uttered:
“FBI, Federal Baby Investigators. Classified for babies eyes only.”
You can imagine my dismay- let down in the morning as I re-read my early morning scrawl.
Thus began a pattern that would continue until- well it’s still happening.
What follows is a list of some of the darling jokes I wrote in delirious laughter while breast feeding at 4am.
- When it rains hipster mustaches make their wearers look like Asian walruses.
- An idea for a sketch: Mixology gone too far. A bar boasts of having a wet nurse who is fed bourbon and bacon in order to create a bourbon bacon infused breast milk for use in cocktails. (No I have not tried this.)
- That’s why they call it CARBonera. Am I right?
- A series of puns that somehow found their way onto twitter entitled Celebrity Sharks including such beauties as: Jane Finda, Ray Fangs and my personal favourite, DJ Jawsy Jeff.
- A list of baby usernames which I quickly abandoned because I could only come up with terribly offensive examples.
The moral of the story is never make decisions or tweet while breastfeeding at 4am. It’s too bad I can never remember this lesson when it’s most useful.